Spiritual Side of Life

"We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of its trees.  We never gave the spiritual side of life a fair hearing."

I had this reading in a meeting last night.  It's from a chapter in the Big Book of A.A. entitle "We Agnostics".  Although I am not agnostic, I related to this statement immediately.  My drinking was all about the ugliness of the trees.  I had long since passed experiencing a warm buzz that felt like the sun on a mountain side.  Once I took that first drink, a blackout or argument wasn't far behind.

I always had a God.  That's how I managed my first stint in recovery for 21 yrs.  But my conscious contact with him slowed and trickled until it stopped and I finally deleted him from my contacts.  Luckily, he did not lose track of me!

In sobriety, seeing the reality and beauty of the forest often comes along naturally with working a program of recovery.  Unfortunately, there is part of me that's so comfortable with misery that I can't completely let go.  Not just yet.  The other piece of this is that I still feel enough guilt, shame and remorse that I don't feel I am worthy of a full view of the forest.  I'm getting there, though, by putting one foot in front of the other as I pass the decomposing and gnarled trees one at a time; one day at a time.

Looking back, I can see where progress is being made and thank God for that because none of this would be worth it, otherwise.  My faith is steadfast enough that the times I didn't see the growth happening, I still hang on and do the "next right thing".

My biggest hiccup has been letting go; letting go of bad memories, hurts, people, situations, the old me.  I make the decision to let go daily and sometimes several times throughout any given day.  But it's a process that happens in layers.  And there are often hurts that come along with the growth that moves me forward.
I realized last night that letting go can consist of simply having a still mind.  If that's all I experience instead of being blinded by ugly trees, I'll take it.

Quiet is good.