Love is liberating; ego holds on.

I love, love, love this saying.  It’s my new mantra.  Primarily because I make everything about “me” and I need to stop doing that.    It’s easy enough say “other’s people stuff is their stuff, mine is mine”.  But in real life, my ego has a tendency to make everyone’s stuff about me (see projecting blog).

I have to remember to love everyone enough to let go so I can be free.  I do not have to be “Marge in charge”.  Holding on doesn’t change other people, places and things and letting go doesn’t either, but it offers me the peace of mind I need to be centered and healthy.

I am not all-knowing enough to be the director of life.  Quite frankly, pretending to be is exhausting enough because, try as I might, I don’t have that kind of control.

There’s a line in a Van Wilder movie that has always stuck with me – “Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.”  Man, said like that, worrying doesn’t sound very attractive and I can find better things to do with my time.

It’s ironic how when I stop making other people’s issues about me, I’m forced to look at myself.  So there’s the “selfish  me” and then there’s the “just being with me”.  WTH?

Unexpected Empty Nest 101

Our unhealthy family was co-existing in an increasingly volatile environment for about a year.  Everyone was frustrated, sick and tired.  No counseling, therapy or family meetings would make a difference.  As long as we were drinking and our son was drugging, there wasn't a point.

When things came to a head one morning (four months ago) our son ran out the front door only to never come back to live.  He has visited the house two times since then, but lives with his half-brother who is 11 years older than he.  Since his departure, we've all cleaned up.  He us abstaining and in therapy (as far as we know).  His father and I are in therapy and recovery by attending 12 step meetings.

As parents, one of our biggest and least expected issues is that of being empty-nesters.  For me, it was initially unbearable not have my son at home; no matter how impossible it had become.  The prospect of "losing" him was more than I could bear.  I bottomed out.  However, had it not been for hitting that bottom, I wouldn't be in recovery now.  Everything really does happen for a reason!

Being sober, properly medicated and in recovery leaves me eager to explore this new chapter in my life.  This journey is bittersweet, but has seemingly endless possibilities.  Although my options are somewhat limited due to financial instability, my heart and  soul feel liberated.  I am looking at myself not as a mother or a wife, but as an individual with specific talents, abilities, likes and dislikes.  My ambition is no longer about what I can do for others so much as it is about personal growth and what I can do to contribute to others.

I was born an artist.  Now, I intend to pay full attention to that part of my soul.  An opportunity was presented to me in which self-sufficient people with behavioral health issues (Bipolar II being mine) can use a warehouse and art supplies, for a monthly nominal fee.  The goal is to create, share and recover through art.
It's so important for us, as empty-nesters, to tap into a true heart-felt interest and/or talent so that we can connect with like-minded people.   When we are feeling pushed aside and less needed by our children, it is time for us to feed and foster the child in ourselves that has been neglected for so long.

It's not unusual for me to want to migrate back into major mothering mode.  As God would have it, my child reminds me this is not wanted or needed.  It hurts at first, but pushes me back into the direction I belong.  As time goes on, I imagine the pain lessens more and more until I automatically remain where I belong most of the time; with me.

Loading Personal Settings

As the fog lifts and I begin to interact more with those around me, I’m less starry-eyed about this adventure.
Letting go of people, placed and things has not been easy for me.  Making the decision to let go is not too hard.    Actually doing it, however, is a process.

It recently come to my attention that I truly believe I am not enough; not for others and not for myself.  At 46 years of age, you would think I already knew this about myself.  Perhaps I did, logically.  But it hit my heart yesterday when I was in therapy exploring my overriding feelings of guilt and shame.

When I looked at what I do to feed into this belief, I saw with the clearest eyes that I cared about others perception and judgement of me.  So much so. that it would be impossible for me or anyone else to measure up to everyone out there.  Then I realized I have people in my life who validate my belief that I am not enough.

As a result, I have chosen to reset my personal opinion of myself on a daily basis.  Throughout the day, I have to tell myself, “I am enough”.  Enough for what or who doesn’t matter.  I am enough just by being; just by breathing.  And I am choosing to accept that giving myself time each day does not come with a deadline.  It is an indefinite action.  And then my favorite new choice is to live life with an exclamation instead of an explanation.
I owe "me" more to myself than I do others.

So as the new year approaches, I am choosing to load new personal settings!